Do our own childhood traumas influence our parenting?

You never quite know, until you’re in the thick of it, what type of parent you’re going to be. 

People often imagine that they will love every moment of being a parent and that you will be blessed with a sort of natural, instinctive expertise in how to be a great parent. Those who have had happy, secure childhoods may point to their own parents as sterling examples of ‘good parenting in action’ and feel confident that they will be just the same. 

By contrast, those who did not have a positive experience of childhood, or went through trauma of some kind, may feel worried and anxious about having children, in case their own childhood experiences have a negative impact on their ability to be a good parent. 

Have you ever paused to question what is guiding your responses and attitude towards your own children? 

Being aware of what is influencing your approach as a parent is a critical step towards being the best parent you can be. We’re not going to get it right all the time, but recognising the impact your own childhood traumas might be having on how you parent is important. As parents, we loom large in their lives as a key contributor to how they are feeling, thinking, and acting. Some examples: 

We don’t want our children to feel frightened and anxious in the way that we did as children. We still remember our traumas. That’s what traumas are – things we find it hard to forget. It’s natural to think, “I don’t ever want my children to feel frightened in the way that I was”. Protecting our children from harm is something all parents feel responsible for. However, being over-protective could lead to your children being smothered and unwilling to take risks or being unable to deal with challenging situations. 

A child brought up in a controlling and coercive home can easily become a parent who thinks being controlling and coercive is the natural way to parent. Your children are not you, so perhaps looking beyond your own experience to gain new insights would be a good thing? 

A parent who was brought up to meet extremely high standards may have the same approach to their own children – “I just want them to achieve everything I know they are capable of”. This is an admirable aim. However, if not kept in check, your children may end up feeling pressured to meet unrealistic standards, crushed by the weight of expectation, and feeling like they are a disappointment. 

In reality the parents we become will be influenced by a vast spectrum of different sources – our own childhood experiences being just one of those. However, regardless of who or what is influencing your approach to bringing up your children, the key thing is to recognise what is influencing you, and make a conscious decision about whether it should be.