Can you 'make' children co-operate?

As parents, we always have things we're trying to get done - cooking dinner, tidying the house, paying bills, going to the supermarket. These things are essential and important - to us. To our children, they are more often an annoying distraction from the important business of their life - playing, learning, having fun. These differing priorities often result in your relationship with your children becoming fraught as you ask them to co-operate and they refuse. 

It is already fairly well understood that children are less likely to show problematic behaviour if you explain why you need their help to complete your essential chores and tasks. This is something a lot of parents already try and do, but most would agree that it doesn’t always work! Sometimes, we don't have enough time to do sit down and have a long discussion about what we need to get done and why that matters. So is there a 'quick' version that allows you to achieve what you need to AND avoid meltdowns? There’s a lot to unpack here…

The first point, as explained in a previous blog, Reacting to Children's Behaviour, it's always worthwhile taking a moment to reflect and understand what our children's behaviour means. That's because our response to our children’s behaviour is affected by our immediate plans, our mood, and the actual and social impact of what they are doing.  The fact is that quick fixes seldom work because they aren’t fine-tuned to the situation and to the needs of the child.

When to talk to your children

The best time to talk to your child about why you need them to co-operate more is probably not in the middle of the supermarket or whilst you're trying to get ready for a meeting and make the school run on time. 

The time to talk to your children is when both you and they are calm and able to focus on the conversation. Just before bedtime can sometimes be a good time, but other options are available, and it depends on their age. Talking in the car is another good option, provided there few distractions. Or perhaps going for a walk together. 

What should you say?

You will need to use language your children can understand, which depends on their age and their language skills. Requests for co-operation are most effective when children are able to understand:

• what it is you need to do
• how it makes you feel when you cannot meet your needs because of what they are doing
• how it would make you feel if they co-operated more. 

You need to explain to them clearly what that co-operation looks like and be able to identify your own feelings and needs and share this. Our children will be more co-operative if they feel they are contributing to the success of what is important.

Other things to consider

• Are our expectations reasonable in the light of the child's own needs? Do they have the resources to do what you ask, or is your child is 'running on empty'? For example, after a tough day at school, they may not have been able to co-operate because their own needs were not being met. They needed to go home and switch off, rather than being taken to the supermarket and asked to behave. When our children's personal resources are low, it is all too easy for them to relapse to more primitive demand behaviours.
• What could you change about the situation to minimize the changes of problem arising? It’s always easier to change your own behaviour than to change someone else’s. Have you considered any ways in which you could do things differently to accommodate your children's needs more effectively? See our short video reflecting on 'When we change...'
• If at first you don’t succeed, try again – sometimes lessons need to be repeated many times. Children easily forget lessons to start with! It can even help to have your own ‘label’ for the behaviour you are trying to encourage, so that you can remind the child quickly and easily at the time. For instance, in the supermarket, you can remind them that they are ‘sharing the shopping chores with mummy/ daddy’.