Are you a selfish parent?

Someone once gave me a piece of advice that I've never forgotten: "When you're going out somewhere, always make sure you are completely ready yourself before you start getting your child ready". 

Their reasoning was that by the time you've finished getting your child ready, the time remaining for yourself is often so small that you end up rushing and don't give yourself the time to be mentally ready for whatever it is you're about to do, which can leave you feeling stressed and out of control. 

This action - getting yourself ready first - is a minor example of a critically important choice we can make as parents - to prioritise our own needs. 

There are those who feel that adopting a 'child centred' approach to parenting can lead to children feeling like everything revolves around them. Instead they would prefer children to learn that their needs are not the most important consideration; children should wait for attention until their parents are ready to engage with them. 

Does that attitude make these parents 'selfish'? 

In contract to this, there are parents who either consciously or unconsciously always put themselves last. They might feel that their children's needs are of equal or greater importance to their own; children should command their parent's full attention when they ask for it. 

Are these parents therefore more 'selfless'? 

There is a whole spectrum of opinions and approaches to parenting, that are influenced by many factors such as the age of your children, your culture, your own family customs and communication style amongst others. 

So where do you place yourself? What is the 'right' position for you to take that balances your own needs with those of your children? 

Does putting yourself first equate to 'selfishness'? 

If we're being honest with ourselves, we'd be able to admit that parenting can at time be incredibly hard work. If parenting had terms and conditions to accompany the job, these would probably state that you'd be expected to work 24/7/365 on a voluntary basis with no sick leave or holidays, and no right to strike or even to put in a formal complaint. Who in their right mind would want to take on such a task?  

If you are a parent for whom the challenge of parenting can lead to a struggle with your mental health and wellbeing, your sense of worth, and your sense of self, being supported in making a conscious effort to put your own needs first is essential. There is a risk you will otherwise experience severe burn out at some point. 

You could start by reframing your definition of being 'selfish' - accepting that you need to put yourself first is sometimes an essential act of self-preservation. 

Making the most of opportunities to be 'consciously selfish' 

Perhaps one thing to consider is when you are being 'consciously selfish'. Are you doing this enough, and at the right times? Choosing to get yourself ready first is one example, but there are many others - choosing not to drive your teen to a party because you're tired after a long day; choosing not to buy your child a new pair of shoes because you wanted to replace your own worn out shoes; choosing to cook a meal you know you really love, even though your child won't enjoy eating it. 

These are all relatively small scale 'consciously selfish' decisions that could have a positive impact on your wellbeing as a parent because they will help you to feel like your needs matter. Our children are dependent on us, but in order to be able to meet their needs, you must meet your own needs first. 

There are also less positive ways in you can be 'consciously selfish' as a parent - choosing to ignoring your children at times they genuinely need your help; choosing to take your children into inappropriate environments because you want to be there as an adult; choosing to give your children access to unsuitable films/video games because it gives you some quiet time. We all make mistakes sometimes, but it is important to be able to recognise when selfish behaviour as a parent has a negative or detrimental impact on our children. 

Feeling guilty? 

Putting yourself first often causes feelings of guilt. We may feel that we're somehow letting our children down by not making their needs the highest priority. These feelings can be really hard to deal with. If you've ever felt that way, here are a few thoughts to reflect on...

• Modelling positive 'selfish' behaviour to your children shows them that someone else's needs can, on occasion, matter more than their own. This is a key life lesson that will benefit them in their own relationships.
• Practice makes perfect. The first few times you put yourself first will be hardest. But the more you put 'self-preservation' into practice, the easier it will become; make sure to observe the impact on your children when you do something for yourself - how do they respond that day, the next day, the next week?
• Children exist 'in the moment'. When they are asking for something from you (whether that is your time, your attention, or something tangible), to them, this feels like the single most important thing in the world at that moment. But in reality, they probably won't remember that moment 24 hours later, and they certainly won't remember it 24 years later. It's highly unlikely that they will remember you saying no to the party, or not buying the shoes, or cooking a meal they didn't enjoy. So why the guilt? Remember - they won't remember!
• Guilt is our own emotion that we choose to feel. Your children's motivation is not to 'guilt trip' you into doing something; they are purely interested in their needs being met. So perhaps it is worth pausing to reflect on where any guilty feelings are coming from and deal with that - could you perhaps have been conditioned to believe that your own needs matter less than others?