Are you a selfish parent?

Someone once gave me a piece of advice that I've never forgotten, which was: "Always make sure you are completely ready yourself before you start getting your child ready to go out". 

Their reasoning was that by the time you've finished getting your child ready, the time remaining for yourself is often so small that you end up rushing and don't give yourself the time to be mentally ready for whatever it is you're about to do, which can leave you feeling stressed and out of control. Additionally, once your children are ready, they will be in that state of nervous excitement caused by a change of scene - they might be running around the house shrieking, opening the front door, or asking you questions about what you're about to do. Sorting out all those things whilst also trying to remember where your keys are and whether you need a coat, can make the whole situation much more pressured. 

This action - getting yourself ready first - is a minor example of a critically important choice we can make as parents - to put our own needs first. 

There are many people who strongly advocate for a 'selfish parenting' approach and think that all this 'child centred parenting' that is so popular these days spoils children and makes them grow up feeling like everything revolves around them. On the flip-side of this, there are also many parents who unknowingly bring up their children in ways that could be perceived as being 'selfish'. And there are other parents out there who always put themselves last, either consciously or unconsciously. There is a whole spectrum of opinions and approaches. So where do you place yourself? Where is the 'right' place that balances your own needs with those of your children? 

Is it 'selfish' or 'self-preservation'? 

Parenting is incredibly hard work. If parenting was a job contract, it would state that you'd be working 24/7/365, on a voluntary basis, with incredibly demanding bosses, very little support, no opportunity to for sick leave, or holidays, and no right to strike or even to put in a formal complaint. Who in their right mind would do such a thing? 

Of course it goes without saying that the pure unadulterated joy of being a parent is a massive bonus that is worth any pay check or conditions, so it's all relative. But given all the above, is it any surprise that many parents struggle with their mental wellbeing, their sense of worth, and their sense of self? 

Given how much pressure parents are under, maybe we need to start by re-framing what we understand is meant by 'selfish'. Saying "you need to put yourself first!" isn't selfish - it is actually SELF-PRESERVATION, because without making a conscious effort to sometimes put yourself first as a parent, you'll most likely experience severe burn out at some point. 

Being 'consciously' selfish 

Perhaps one thing to consider is when you are being 'consciously' selfish. Are you doing this enough, and at the right times? Choosing to get yourself ready first is one example, but there are many others - choosing not to drive your teen to a party because you're tired after a long day; choosing not to buy your child a new pair of shoes because you wanted to replace your own worn out shoes; choosing to cook a meal you know you really love, even though your child won't enjoy eating it. 

These are all 'consciously selfish' decisions that might well have a positive impact on you as a parent because they help you to feel like your needs matter, and therefore you matter as a person, a human, an individual. Our children are dependent on us, but in order to be able to meet their needs, you must meet your own needs first (what do they tell you in aeroplanes about your oxygen mask?). 

Of course there are also negative ways you can be 'consciously selfish' as a parent - choosing to spend the majority of your time on your phone whilst ignoring your children; choosing to take your children into an inappropriate environment because you want to be there as an adult; choosing to give your children access to unsuitable films/video games because it gives you some quiet time. 

Feeling guilty? 

Putting yourself first often causes feelings of guilt. We may feel that we're somehow letting our children down by not making their needs the highest priority. These feelings can be really hard to deal with. If you've ever felt that way, here are a few thoughts to reflect on...

• Modelling positive 'selfish' behaviour to your children shows them that someone else's needs can, on occasion, matter more than their own. This is a key life lesson that will benefit them in their own relationships.
• Practice makes perfect. The first few times you put yourself first will be hardest. But the more you put 'self-preservation' into practice, the easier it will become; make sure to observe the impact on your children when you do something for yourself - how do they respond that day, the next day, the next week?
• Children exist 'in the moment'. When they are asking for something from you (whether that is your time, your attention, or something tangible), it feels like the single most important thing in the world to them. But in reality, they probably won't remember that moment 24 hours later, and they certainly won't remember it 24 years later. They won't remember you saying no to the party, or not buying the shoes, or cooking a meal they didn't enjoy. So why the guilt? Remember - they won't remember!
• Guilt is our own emotion that we choose to feel. Your children's motivation is not to 'guilt trip' you into doing something; they are purely interested in their needs being met. So perhaps it is worth pausing to reflect on where any guilty feelings are coming from and deal with that - could you perhaps have been conditioned to believe that your own needs matter less than others?